How to Zombie-Proof Your House

by Phil on October 13, 2010

When I was a kid, I lived on the 6th floor of an apartment building. Which was fine for me, because deep down I knew that if and when the dead decided to crawl out of their graves to feast on the brains of the living, I would be pretty safe.  At least safer than all my friends who lived in houses on ground level.  Houses were easy targets, with all kinds of windows to be shattered and doors broken into, house-dwellers didn’t stand a chance.  I on the other hand was quite protected on my sixth floor, because as far as I know, zombies can’t operate elevators.

If you happened to be one these unfortunate souls who lives in a house, the following are some tips on how to zombie-proof your home.

A moat

The first thing you want to do is stop the zombies from getting anywhere near your house.  This can be achieved by digging a very deep moat along the outer rim of your property with a drawbridge.  Make sure the moat is deep enough to stop the zombies from crawling out, this can be further achieved by building a 12’ cement wall along the inner rim of the moat.  The moat doesn’t need to be extremely wide, as zombies are not known for their long jumping abilities, but just in case, you should know that the longest jump a human has ever accomplished is a little over 29’.

Land Mines

I really don’t think the zombies will get past your moat, but just in case they happen to be super-athletic sprinting and jumping zombies a la 28 Days Later, you may want to bury land mines in your front lawn, spaced about 1’ apart from each other; there’s no point taking any chances.  You might want to cancel your newspaper subscription though, the last thing you need is the paper boy hurling the Sunday Times over your concrete wall and detonating one of your land mines.

Doors and Windows

I still don’t think any zombies could get past your moat.  But let’s just say they somehow manage to clear the moat, scale the 12’ wall and tip toe through your mine field without blowing up into a million zombie bits, you’ll want to make sure all your windows and doors are properly reinforced.  Steel doors and bullet proof glass should be fine. Just be sure to lock the doors!

If your house has a door or window that leads to your roof, this is a good place to go with your shot guns, machines guns, just be sure to have plenty of ammunition.  From there you can watch in absolute amazement as zombies get past your moat, over the wall and through the mines, and as they start to bang on your impenetrable steel door, you can pick them off one by one.  Refrain from using hand grenades, as you might accidentally hurl one too close to the side of your house, and the subsequent explosion might damage the integrity of your fortress.

Panic Room + Escape Tunnel

Should your child or absent-minded husband forget to lock the door and the zombies breach your home, you’ll need a panic room to retreat to, whose door and walls should be made completely out of steel.  Make sure this room is equipped with enough non-perishable food items and drinkable water for several months.  You will also want to make sure this room has a working plumbing system.  Once inside the room you can watch the zombie’s progress from all the video cameras you should have already installed during your initial zombie-apocalypse paranoia.

If your house fills to the brim with zombies, and they don’t show signs of leaving anytime soon (ie. Checking their watches multiple times, bored sighs, making sideways head nods towards the front door to the other zombies etc.) you will need some sort of escape tunnel.  The only problem with escape tunnels is that they usually lead to the outside where the zombies are.  Make sure your escape tunnel leads to somewhere safe like directly into a maximum security prison cell or Australia.

Although I wouldn’t worry too much about the need for the panic room or the escape tunnel, as I truly believe that the zombies won’t ever get past your moat.  Of course an even easier solution to zombie-proof your home would be to move to the 6th floor of an apartment building.

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